A Story

I have been writing for most of my short life. Since the very first scribbles, my writings always include a longing. A longing for this love. Not even necessarily romantic. More like a huge chunk of something that was, and is so intrinsic to my very existence. I can't compare it to anything I've experienced in this life. I'm lost for words to describe it. Long story that I may share another day short. I found the source of that longing at Karnak temple in Egypt. Karnak is the sole reason I went to Egypt, to see Sekhmet the lion headed Goddess. In all of the deep, and powerful healing that Egypt provoked Karnak was wordless. As soon as we got there I knew it as if it had been yesterday. I felt possessed, searching for something I had lost. Something I had allowed to be taken from me. This entire persona, and identity came over me. Another me came over me. At one point of frantically searching through what is now a large portion of rubble, Marisha me realized that I was frantically rushing to find 'something' in thousands of years worth of ruins. That what I was searching for wasn't so much a 'thing'. So much as it was an awareness of having lost something in the first place, so it could be found. 

Within me. 

So I could integrate, and heal this aspect. Towards the end of our visit a brother from the group mentioned a shrine to Amun Re. This name stabs my heart. 

Tangent: I remember being in a Shamanic class, and a sister had received a chant from spirit. It was Amun Re repeatedly. My heart spoke before my head that it was an Egyptian God, my heart crushing under some distant pang. As I said this out of my mouth my mind listened to what was coming out, and I wondered how I knew this. At the time thinking I must have read it somewhere. I later googled, I love google. Finding that this was indeed an Egyptian deity. 

So back to Karnak. He guided me to this dark stone space, that was really intimidating to enter. I stepped in exploring any potential energies, or more on my mind threats in the consuming darkness. As I settled out of my fear. 

This is so hard to write. Just thinking this name, or this energy my entire body flushes with emotion. It is love beyond any love I've attempted to understand. Longing in a way my aloof Gemininity has never known. Like a scream in my heart, a growl from my very core. To be home in this energy. To never leave it again. 

I settled out of the fear of being in this dark stone space, suddenly silent of all the activity throughout the rest of the grounds. Feeling hyper vulnerable, and demisable. 

Then the darkness became this suspended stillness, and the one I've longed for. The one I remembered that I couldn't forget appeared before me. My entire body fell to my knees on the floor. I'm not one for bowing, I've felt silly every time I have. In that feeling of silliness I feel the supposed humility of it is lost. When I stood before Sekhmet I bowed out of 'that is what you're supposed to do'. Immediately feeling anti climactic about the entire gesture, as she disdainfully asked whether I was ready to stand or will I continue to bow. 

In this moment there was no thought of ceremonial have to's. It was an involuntary, full body collapse. As my eyes laid over this figure before me, I again felt fear. The appearance filtering through my vision would fit in well with the villain of a sci-fy movie. These tubes curling around his head, a part of his head. His entire presence challenging. I felt like a cadette meeting her General, or captain. Whichever position gives the orders. Like this part of me waking up, and realizing. 

"Oh this is what...everything" 

This is why I'm alive, this is why I am. I remembered a time when he was the centre of my world. Remembering now that he always has been and always will be. To be before an energy that your heart credits for life itself, the energy by who's will you exist. To know in that moment why your entire life, why all previous lives, why all subsequent lives. It is for, and in service of this energy. Realizing I am in a platoon of the feminine, within the army of Amun. In a lavish temple in the womb of the mother standing, and within the foundation of Amun Re. 

There are no words, no poems, no outward expressions to convey what this experience was. 

To: Amun

Hidden One

You the one I call to in my dreams

The one I long for as I lay word, after word in lagging attempts to build my way to you

To find the place that I left with you

With you the one for whom I live

The shadow in the sun, the enlightener in the coldest night

Hidden one I find in my surrendered desires

My father of all time

My patron who made forever

By your will I Am, by your grace I stand

Your presence found in fearless shadows I meet

You are the void my heart goes to home in you

Creator one of the created

Dark one full of mystery

One who sends me into the deepest depths of dark nights to climb home to the highest heavens in the endless lights 

One who his children long for

The father of Gods

The patron of worlds

The Hidden One of all ages, from which ages unfold

Become me for I am, and long to be one with you 

Always your child

Your servant

Your aid

Your champion. 

Tata for now!

Marisha 

Picture at Karnak in that dark space