So I've been thinking about starting a blog for a long time. Like years. I've started them, maybe added a post. Then forgot about it, out there somewhere in inter space. I'm always self consciously thinking, what do I have to share. Why would anyone want to read what I have to write? At this moment, at this point in my own life growth. I have realized it doesn't matter who reads this, it doesn't fucking matter! What matters is that I'm doing what I love, and expressing my heart. I love to write. Writing is the avenue that allows me to lay out all the shit in my head, in experimental sentences and heart fulfilling emotives. Casting spells with words. Letter, by letter unleashing a journey into another world. Learning myself, and embarking into myself through writing. There is nothing better!
I'm sitting on the edge of my two seater couch cushion, in front of my freshly cleaned macbook. I wiped it down with the organic equivalent of a clorox wipe. They're supposed to smell like mint, but really smell more like stale soapy water after the dishes have ran through it. There's a mark from the spring roll dip I finished off last night. I obviously missed a spot, and it is in stark contrast to the rest of the spotless matte silver surface. Anyways, we're 10 days into 2017. It's 3:33pm, my lucky number. I'm feeling so capable in the world. Everything feels possible, and available to me. It is a great feeling.
A friend, and I were exploring our personal year numbers this morning. You take the month and day you were born, and add that to the collective year number. Which is the year, 2017 in this case 2+0+1+7=10. Break that down to a single digit, and we have number 1. Which in numerology speak, quick synopsis. Is new beginnings, independence, forging your own way, creating freedom. Or so I gather, I'm not a numerologist by any means. So mine is 31st May. 5+3+1=9. 9+1(collective year number)=10. Break that down into a single digit. My personal year number is a 1. Number one, and right on par with how I'm feeling.
I feel this sense of renewal. Outdated things, and people are falling away like flies. The end of last year was this massive purging. I spent a couple of weeks on pilgrimage in Egypt, which dropped me into December feeling like a hollowed out vessel. I literally came back to the states feeling like a shell. I didn't know up from down. I suddenly couldn't fathom staying in my current main relationship. Which was a dream before I left. I finally felt the pussy power to share my passion. To come out of the shadows with my fine self, and just be. Shit! Sidebar. I just realized I could scratch the spiring roll mark off with my nails. It was driving me crazy. All gone. Really though it is so hard to stand the fuck up in your truth! It is a scary ride, yet equally exhilarating. On one hand your getting whittled down to…to well nothing it seems. Then you think your nothing. Not in such a depressing way. Nothing as in everything your ego thinks, and likes to tell you that you are gets thrown out the window. My ego likes to send me into dark holes. Telling me I have to get a 'real' job, go to a 'real' university. That I need to have a monogamous, 'proper' relationship. Essentially I need to become my grandparents. Another Minnesotan that has left the coupe compares this inner critic to the girl from the ring. She is hidden inside, trying to crawl out of the Minnesota nice well. She's dripping with passive aggressive judgement, dragging her mangled body across a rug that's covering all of the swept up familial issues. Through the chapel of puritanical constipation. She just wants to scream with the pure joy of all the wonder that actually living life has to offer. Oh my fucking protestant GOD!!! Well that is the picture I got from her comparison anyways. Minnesotan on the loose. I left that place without so little as a head nod. Lordy Jesus! I traded that in for the Catholic Irish countryside though, so not sure I made any wins at the beginning. That is an entirely different story though.
It's such a gift, and endless pleasure to be on this path though. By path I mean the path of tipping over, and fumbling through the dark in between ecstatic episodes of blissful joy until….Until, I don't know. Enlightenment? Self realization? Oneness? Insanity? That is what is said to happen. Though truly I didn't begin this path for enlightenment, nor am I on it now for that reason. Don't get me wrong once I learned about enlightenment, my ego sure wanted it. My heart though is really just striving to be. I'm striving for the moment. Have you ever just completely pulled yourself into the moment, engaging all of your senses in now. It's better than the best cake. It is so utterly indulgent. It is a sensual experience. The air literally enveloping your body, your entire body. Air pressing against your most sensitive parts. With each breathe, the air inserting itself into your mouth. The sun caressing your face like a passionate lover. Or is it that a lover caresses your face like the passionate sun. The ground massaging your feet, in this moment my shaggy rug is tickling between my toes. This could go on, and on. I imagine holding myself in conscious presence in each, and every delicious moment. Each exchange, each expression, milking each movement. Making love with the world, with the cosmos. This is the lover that I am seeking, this is the partner that I am seeking. It is within me, it is all around me. It is timeless. This makes my toes curl.
Speaking of lover. Where is mine?
He called me to go grab food. Then got called to work. Then called me back saying he was on his way. That was a good million years ago. I am hungry. I wasn't even that hungry before he called. Damn him!
Life is such an interesting experience. We can literally do whatever we want, we can create whatever we want. Then we impose all of these rules, politics, and regulations on ourselves. So now we 'can't' do whatever we want. Now we have cornered ourselves into this hideous box with doilies taped to it for guests. No, but wait! You can get out of the box. I can? You go to leave the box, and you realize in order to do so you have to wade through shit. Seemingly endless piles of shit. As you're wading through these shit piles. You start to kind of enjoy yourself. You find layers of yourself within this old junk that you never imagined. You find yourself in the deepest parts of yourself. What was once this impending darkness, becomes more and more illuminated.
That is all I have for now. Sending love, and compassionate strength to the world today.
Marisha
No comments:
Post a Comment